Strangers

As the season have passed,

I’ve grown out of you,

It was all an illusion,

tears were shed and moments were wasted,

however, I’ve realized I deserved better,

I’ve decided to live my life without waiting for you,

sometimes I wondered if I would ever run into you,

what would I say?

until the day finally came,

through the bustle of the subway stampede,

we passed each other by the station,

and we couldn’t help but look back at one another,

I wanted to say so much but I feared your reaction,

and without a word and a stare,

we continued through our own paths

I knew you no longer cared.

Introvert

I’ve found comfort in myself,

I no longer care about being comforted by others,

I hold no expectations,

because I’ve lost the fear of monophobia,

I’ve grown quite numb to express sincere empathy,

because of life losses,

I refuse becoming attached,

It’s a distant memory I once felt,

because now in the company of others,

I long to be in deep transit on my own,

Comforted by solitude.

No longer the extrovert I tried to be.

Nor the life of the party.

But an introvert.

DEAR GOD

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Dear God, 
I'm drowning in pessimism,
You've allowed this demon to devour my spirits,
I've reached out to you vast amount of times and have exhausted myself,
You've not answered me and I've lost my faith,
Forgive me, for I have grown impatient,
My despair and sorrows remain ignored,                                                   
Have you left me in solitude to ruminate in my own thoughts?                        Do you hear my scream and cry for help?
Will you answer me in due time?
Forgive me for this glitch inside my brain,
I've struggled to seek answers from others,
They too have failed me, yet here I am praying to you,
Forgive me for all of my sins and actions,
I beg you to provide me answers to my prayers ,
I don't know the meaning of happiness anymore,
I've gone mad sulking in my own thoughts,
The world seems rather dull,
Release me from this state of gloom,
Please answer my prayers,
Illuminate my soul and turn my pain into creativity,
Release me from my pain and help me find the joy in life,
LOVE, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, PASSIONS, SELF-LOVE,
but more importantly HOPE,
Show me a sign that you will help me,
Please God, Heavenly Father,
Show me a sign,
Amen.

How to remain positive when you’ve been laid-off?

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JOB HUNT

 Job hunting can be a strenuous process, one which I am dealing with. I have recently got laid-off my job “due to corporate structuring”. Despite, it not being my dream role, such rejection still affected me. I was flooded with emotions. Angry, upset, depressed, relieved, etc. It took two weeks and I think I am over the negative emotions. Regardless, I am grateful for the opportunity and my boss writing me a reference letter. A kind gesture I remind myself when I feel discouraged. My word of advise to people out there who have lost their jobs due to corporate restructuring is ” Keep your head up and count your blessings”. Easier said than done right? but really, don’t hesitate to reach out to your former bosses and mentors for reference letters. I did and it worked. Don’t burn your bridges and stay humble because in the networking world, it is crucial to remain professional at all times.

CONFIDENCE
The worst they can say NO and then you move on to the next. When my father was alive, he used to tell me, “don’t loose hope because in this life you will get 100 NO’s and eventually one YES”. This is how I view the interviewing  process as well. And of course, dating but that is another story and separate article. My dating life is on pause right now possibly because I’m not ready for it. Confidence is about persistence, positivity and perseverance. It truly is about being your own boss and learning how to manage your emotional intelligence with others. This involves self-pep talks the minute you feel an instant negative thought seep into your brain. It’s a work-in-progress to be confident, so keep at it because this determines longevity in a job. Ask questions and be a better version of yourself. I started a freelance role that did not turn out to be such a great fit. I was told by the agency after a day of employment. I was upset, yet, relieved. Now I am grateful because I can begin again. A whole new slate and this time I plan to find something that suits my needs not just salary based but a role that fits me. This time around I plan to demonstrate confidence, to not fear the unknown nor create assumptions. I will make an effort and not let my anxieties or past experiences dominate my abilities.

SUPPORT
Currently, I am trying to remain optimistic about this change in my life. I compare it to dating where you get emotionally invested with a company and when you’re laid-off it feels like the end of a relationship. I am focused on applying to about 50 roles each day online. On the other hand, I am also trying to surround myself with good company, close friends that will be there for moral support. Ignoring all negative people such as ex- boy friends who come back to destroy my mental health. Surround yourself with positive vibes exclude those that wreak havoc upon yourself.

PERSPECTIVE
I believe placing one’s mental health first is a necessity to function. I’m a work-in-progress, I’ve cried, vented and binge-eaten, etc. as well as other behaviors. However, I had an epiphany while I was in solitude. I prayed and meditated all night. I woke up this morning and had a sudden energy to clean, organize and declutter my life. I did and I feel accomplished. Sometimes it’s the little things that count and the best thing in life aren’t always things. It’s about one’s self-consumption and present state of mind.

ACTION
While, I’ve become obsessive about my job hunt, I have decided to make time for myself. I have focused on better eating habits, full rest, reading, writing, art, walks, listening to music, chores, cleaning, organizing and positive thinking. This has helped me. I highly recommend engaging in healthy behaviors whilst seeking a job. Talk therapy truly helps as well, however lately, I’ve been involved in Art Therapy, an effective creative form of therapy. Sometimes, I draw, paint, mold, sculpt while discussing my feelings.  Analyzing this aspect about myself has helped me. It’s been amazing liberating to create beautiful art and write during this time. I found a form to cope with myself, I’ve felt as if I’ve let a weight off my shoulder. I have cried and vented. I have faith that I will get through this and if you’re experiencing a a similar situation. You will too! Find your way to cope and focus on what matters.

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UNRECIPROCATED

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I pretended to be content,
I should have known better,
I've been down this route,
Enough to know you're a conniving snake,
Yet I'm a fool or a hopeless romantic,
You know what to say to reel me in,
Then you sting me with your fangs,
Leave me in solitude to deal with my misery,
You get satisfaction every time,
Because everything you do is for your convenience,
I'm just your therapist,
Who physically never sees you,
I long to hold you and feel emotionally close to you,
And the farther you are,
I am reminded that we will never be.
I despise myself for desiring this forbidden fruit,
No matter how much I attempt these hopeless spells,
I've been cursed by a demon,
As all seem to fail me, I've become deranged,
Relied on the occult for false pretense,
I'd hoped it would bring light into my world.
Yet I've lost myself because it was feigned,
YOU'RE GONE.
SO IS EVERYONE ELSE,
NO ONE HEARS MY CRIES OF DESPAIR,
I pray to God to help and forgive me,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN EXISTS,
ARE YOU EVEN HERE? HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME TOO?
I've drowned in a sea of pessimism,
My light is gone,
Everyone is a foe,
I'm nowhere to be found..

I WILL JUST LAY HERE..

AND FORGET THE WORLD.

DISCARDED

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I was let go, discarded like a piece of trash,
It has nothing to do with you they said,
concealed my emotions with a smile and thank you,
Walked away in shame with my head down,
I relied on family for comfort,
what a mistake, I was reminded of my faults,
words stabbed my non-existing ego,
I felt a wave of emptiness,
broken, until I was consoled by a dear friend,
as we parted ways, I felt incapable of self-reliance,
My enemy reached out to me,
deceived as I was, we bonded,
found comfort in our vents with one another,
hot tears burned my cheeks,
strangers stared as I wandered the jungle streets of nyc,
I no longer had the strength to hide,
I acknowledged hitting a low point,
I've been down this path before,
and thought this feeling shall pass,
this feeling will pass..
It has passed..
yet the remnants remain scattered,
like ashes on the ground.


STATE OF GLOOM

I woke up in a state of gloom ,
Melancholy has sunk in and slowly devoured me,
I've tried to compensate for my mood, 
Until I breakdown and cry, I've realized that I have failed miserably to compose myself, I've been trying to regulate this mindset on my own, It's been rather difficult to remain content, I am perplexed, as yesterday was joyous and fulfilling, Yet, today, everything rosy about this world has dissipated, Negative clustered thoughts lined up to infiltrate my brain, thoughts about him, them, they, age, life, regrets, have returned, Why can't I move on? Why don't I have it yet? why do I feel alone? I wallow in misery and remain immobile, I lay in bed numbly and allow toxicity to consume me, ignore all invites because I'm simply worn out to force a smile, severely exhausted to initiate small talk with strangers, my room has become my sanctuary in isolation, I am safe in solitude here because no one will disappoint me, I am allowed to be myself and not suppress my emotions, I can kick, scream, cry and suddenly write!
pour out these overwhelming sentiments,
because out of pain stems creativity, MY WRITER'S BLOCK IS GONE! somewhat hopeful, I pray that tomorrow will be a better day, I HOPE that this gloom doesn't return,
I HOPE it was all a phase... as it usually is.