I pretended to be content,
I should have known better,
I've been down this route,
Enough to know you're a conniving snake,
Yet I'm a fool or a hopeless romantic,
You know what to say to reel me in,
Then you sting me with your fangs,
Leave me in solitude to deal with my misery,
You get satisfaction every time,
Because everything you do is for your convenience,
I'm just your therapist,
Who physically never sees you,
I long to hold you and feel emotionally close to you,
And the farther you are,
I am reminded that we will never be.
I despise myself for desiring this forbidden fruit,
No matter how much I attempt these hopeless spells,
I've been cursed by a demon,
As all seem to fail me, I've become deranged,
Relied on the occult for false pretense,
I'd hoped it would bring light into my world.
Yet I've lost myself because it was feigned,
YOU'RE GONE.
SO IS EVERYONE ELSE,
NO ONE HEARS MY CRIES OF DESPAIR,
I pray to God to help and forgive me,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN EXISTS,
ARE YOU EVEN HERE? HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME TOO?
I've drowned in a sea of pessimism,
My light is gone,
Everyone is a foe,
I'm nowhere to be found..

I WILL JUST LAY HERE..

AND FORGET THE WORLD.

 

I was let go, discarded like a piece of trash,
It has nothing to do with you they said,
concealed my emotions with a smile and thank you,
Walked away in shame with my head down,
I relied on family for comfort,
what a mistake, I was reminded of my faults,
words stabbed my non-existing ego,
I felt a wave of emptiness,
broken, until I was consoled by a dear friend,
as we parted ways, I felt incapable of self-reliance,
My enemy reached out to me,
deceived as I was, we bonded,
found comfort in our vents with one another,
hot tears burned my cheeks,
strangers stared as I wandered the jungle streets of nyc,
I no longer had the strength to hide,
I acknowledged hitting a low point,
I've been down this path before,
and thought this feeling shall pass,
this feeling will pass..
It has passed..
yet the remnants remain scattered,
like ashes on the ground.

I woke up in a state of gloom ,
Melancholy has sunk in and slowly devoured me,
I've tried to compensate for my mood, 
Until I breakdown and cry,
I've realized that I have failed miserably to compose myself,
I've been trying to regulate this mindset on my own,
It's been rather difficult to remain content,
I am perplexed, as yesterday was joyous and fulfilling,
Yet, today, everything rosy about this world has dissipated,
Negative clustered thoughts lined up to infiltrate my brain,
thoughts about him, them, they, age, life, regrets, have returned,
Why can't I move on? Why don't I have it yet? why do I feel alone?
I wallow in misery and remain immobile,
I lay in bed numbly and allow toxicity to consume me,
ignore all invites because I'm simply worn out to force a smile,
severely exhausted to initiate small talk with strangers,
my room has become my sanctuary in isolation,
I am safe in solitude here because no one will disappoint me,
I am allowed to be myself and not suppress my emotions,
I can kick, scream, cry and suddenly write! 
pour out these overwhelming sentiments,
because out of pain stems creativity, 
MY WRITER'S BLOCK IS GONE!
somewhat hopeful, I pray that tomorrow will be a better day,
I HOPE that this gloom doesn't return,
I HOPE it was all a phase...

as it usually is.