I pretended to be content,
I should have known better,
I've been down this route,
Enough to know you're a conniving snake,
Yet I'm a fool or a hopeless romantic,
You know what to say to reel me in,
Then you sting me with your fangs,
Leave me in solitude to deal with my misery,
You get satisfaction every time,
Because everything you do is for your convenience,
I'm just your therapist,
Who physically never sees you,
I long to hold you and feel emotionally close to you,
And the farther you are,
I am reminded that we will never be.
I despise myself for desiring this forbidden fruit,
No matter how much I attempt these hopeless spells,
I've been cursed by a demon,
As all seem to fail me, I've become deranged,
Relied on the occult for false pretense,
I'd hoped it would bring light into my world.
Yet I've lost myself because it was feigned,
SO IS EVERYONE ELSE,
NO ONE HEARS MY CRIES OF DESPAIR,
I pray to God to help and forgive me,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN EXISTS,
ARE YOU EVEN HERE? HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME TOO?
I've drowned in a sea of pessimism,
My light is gone,
Everyone is a foe,
I'm nowhere to be found..
I WILL JUST LAY HERE..
AND FORGET THE WORLD.
I was let go, discarded like a piece of trash,
It has nothing to do with you they said,
concealed my emotions with a smile and thank you,
Walked away in shame with my head down,
I relied on family for comfort,
what a mistake, I was reminded of my faults,
words stabbed my non-existing ego,
I felt a wave of emptiness,
broken, until I was consoled by a dear friend,
as we parted ways, I felt incapable of self-reliance,
My enemy reached out to me,
deceived as I was, we bonded,
found comfort in our vents with one another,
hot tears burned my cheeks,
strangers stared as I wandered the jungle streets of nyc,
I no longer had the strength to hide,
I acknowledged hitting a low point,
I've been down this path before,
and thought this feeling shall pass,
this feeling will pass..
It has passed..
yet the remnants remain scattered,
like ashes on the ground.
I woke up in a state of gloom , Melancholy has sunk in and slowly devoured me, I've tried to compensate for my mood,
Until I breakdown and cry, I've realized that I have failed miserably to compose myself, I've been trying to regulate this mindset on my own, It's been rather difficult to remain content, I am perplexed, as yesterday was joyous and fulfilling, Yet, today, everything rosy about this world has dissipated, Negative clustered thoughts lined up to infiltrate my brain, thoughts about him, them, they, age, life, regrets, have returned, Why can't I move on? Why don't I have it yet? why do I feel alone? I wallow in misery and remain immobile, I lay in bed numbly and allow toxicity to consume me, ignore all invites because I'm simply worn out to force a smile, severely exhausted to initiate small talk with strangers, my room has become my sanctuary in isolation, I am safe in solitude here because no one will disappoint me, I am allowed to be myself and not suppress my emotions, I can kick, scream, cry and suddenly write!
pour out these overwhelming sentiments,
because out of pain stems creativity, MY WRITER'S BLOCK IS GONE! somewhat hopeful, I pray that tomorrow will be a better day, I HOPE that this gloom doesn't return,
I HOPE it was all a phase... as it usually is.
Lately I've spiraled into a negative hole,
But when I'm with you,
You bring a positive aura into my world,
I wish I were more like you,
Young, positive, wild and free,
I used to be like you,
turning negativity into productivity,
But it was all a phase, A mask,
A personality I could never fully be,
Because once I loose control, I'm triggered,
I've become a monster, Despising myself and others,
Therefore, I'm compelled to write,
Just pour out my deepest dark emotions,
I hope I can make amends with everyone I hurt,
and everyone who's hurt me,
Why can't I be more grateful?
Why am I living in the past or fearing the future?
I'm consumed with these thoughts every waking hour,
I have no desire to interact with other people,
It's time to live in the present,
release everyone's actions,
Focus on what I can control,
Dear Friend, I wish you can teach me your ways.
But you, nor no one else, can't help me,
I have to help myself,
And that starts with Self-Love.
When I spiraled into a hole of darkness,
You gave me hope,
You gave me a reason to hold on,
I valued your friendship,
You became my haven when I was tangled in a whirlwind,
however, it has dissipated into a oblivion,
You’re stubborn and proud,
More than I could ever try to be,
If I had never reached out to you,
You probably wouldn’t care,
Your words are sharper than a blade,
It’s stabbed my heart deeply,
Believing in you was the worst thing I did for myself,
Now I can’t trust anyone,
I am ruined once again,
My confidence is gone today,
but maybe I’ll regain it someday,
I surely missed you
And sometimes I think it wasn’t you,
Perhaps I just needed a friend,
A distraction from myself,
A rescue from my own issues.
This co-dependency was never healthy,
It’s evident we needed to part ways,
Letting go from our past and differences,
Now it’s time for me to be my own best friend.
I wish you nothing but the best,
Farewell, former friend.