Work. Life. Balance Challenges and Graduate School Acceptance!

BELIEVE AND YOU SHALL ACHIEVE..

Hello Everyone! I have started new employment, another yet, temporary soul-sucking corporate fashion position. Not my particular knack, however the pay convinced me to accept it. The hours are 9-6PM and I’m usually home by 7pm. It’s a long commute, however at the moment it’s necessary for my expenses. I’ve payed off my graduate school deposit and also some other unnecessary credit card expenses such as makeup, food, etc. I was on a roll before but I got side-tracked. Shame on me. The role I started is temporary and for my first paycheck I plan to pay off my credit card charges. It’s awful to feel constraint to money. In many ways I feel like I’m trapped in a vicious cycle. But I am a work in progress. I plan to save up for Grad school. I finally got accepted into a prestigious writing school for my MFA. I am excited about my journey to Sarah Lawrence College! I hope it works out after graduation and I can find a job I am passionate about.

Regardless, life is incredibly valuable to wonder what if? I might as well take the plunge and step into the unknown. Which is why I am studying something unrelated to my previous field.I don’t think my Fashion Business degrees were a waste, yet, the lack of permanent employment was. I view this new career change as another trait I am going to learn. I always had a knack for learning and I think school helped me remain positive despite trials and tribulations, whether it was a break-up, health and family issues etc. learning and deviating my mind from noise helped me stay focused on education. Right now, I’m struggling with my on-and-off depression and this new temporary gig has made me somewhat miserable. Logistics sucks and my boss is demeaning at times, yet I keep reminding myself this is just a short-term role. (Sigh). It’s tough to get up from bed every morning.

I took a sick day today to job hunt for more tolerable jobs away from this or retail (or anything that is fashion-related). I have also applied to teaching jobs, which is something that has always fulfilled me, even on a bad day. I think that it’s a noble career and more suitable for me. I enjoy teaching others and learning form them as well. Let’s hope this new path works out. I never thought in a million year, I was going to change fields. I just simply grew out my previous one and found my true passion in writing. It happened to me in my second semester in my undergrad and when I started tutoring others, I realized this was better than any catty corporate fashion company I’ve worked for. I thrived in it. Anyway, as I am actively applying to several jobs a day, I’ve realized not all hope is not lost.

Going forward, I’ve taken some steps to reduce my mental strain. No more comparing myself to other people and no more feeling envious or jealous. I am trying to journal my sentiments, so I can reflect on them rather than act them out in a state of rage or melancholy. I’ve decided I want to be happier and focus on myself. No more toxic friends or outings. No more toxic guys or relationships. Just spending more time alone and less as an extrovert. I am trying to rely more on myself and less on others for happiness because people will never satisfy me 100% percent. I think learning to tone down my feelings of surrounding myself with other people is important so I can be more emotionally independent. Therefore, I am vowing to take care of myself. I hope you can too and follow your true passions in life. Please share your experience about how you overcame your career switch and how do you cope with if you’re depressed at a job. I love feedback. I hope I can inspire you as your comments inspire me! Have a wonderful day and sending positive vibes your way!

DEAR GOD

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Dear God, 
I'm drowning in pessimism,
You've allowed this demon to devour my spirits,
I've reached out to you vast amount of times and have exhausted myself,
You've not answered me and I've lost my faith,
Forgive me, for I have grown impatient,
My despair and sorrows remain ignored,                                                   
Have you left me in solitude to ruminate in my own thoughts?                        Do you hear my scream and cry for help?
Will you answer me in due time?
Forgive me for this glitch inside my brain,
I've struggled to seek answers from others,
They too have failed me, yet here I am praying to you,
Forgive me for all of my sins and actions,
I beg you to provide me answers to my prayers ,
I don't know the meaning of happiness anymore,
I've gone mad sulking in my own thoughts,
The world seems rather dull,
Release me from this state of gloom,
Please answer my prayers,
Illuminate my soul and turn my pain into creativity,
Release me from my pain and help me find the joy in life,
LOVE, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, PASSIONS, SELF-LOVE,
but more importantly HOPE,
Show me a sign that you will help me,
Please God, Heavenly Father,
Show me a sign,
Amen.

Self-Love

Dear Friend, 
Lately I've spiraled into a negative hole,
But when I'm with you,
You bring a positive aura into my world,
I wish I were more like you,
Young, positive, wild and free,
I used to be like you,
turning negativity into productivity,
But it was all a phase, A mask,
A personality I could never fully be,
Because once I loose control, I'm triggered,
I've become a monster, Despising myself and others,
Therefore, I'm compelled to write,
Just pour out my deepest dark emotions,
I hope I can make amends with everyone I hurt,
and everyone who's hurt me,
Why can't I be more grateful?
Why am I living in the past or fearing the future?
I'm consumed with these thoughts every waking hour,
I have no desire to interact with other people,
It's time to live in the present,
release everyone's actions,
Focus on what I can control,
Dear Friend, I wish you can teach me your ways.
But you, nor no one else, can't help me,
I have to help myself,
And that starts with Self-Love.

Breathe

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Today, I sat in the subway and felt a pang of stress. A wave of melancholy hit me as I sat with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face. I felt all eyes on me. Hoping no one can tell I was crying under my large cat-eye frames, I wiped a quickly wiped my tears. The train stopped and I wished I were home. I wanted to yell, scream and cry out loud. I felt muted. I couldn’t do so. Today started off as a great day and somehow one comment twisted my thoughts into negative ones.

I’ve been negative for quite sometime. This happened before work. The grass may alway seem greener on the other side except for myself at the moment.The social media obsession of lurking and not feeling fully content with myself, as I constantly compare myself to others such as family, etc. The thought of an ex-boyfriend thriving in a relationship with someone else. The thought of my best friend ignoring me because we got into a stupid argument. Or how one of my close male friend has been self-absorbent lately with his business. Everyone seems busy and I am feeling neglected. Graduate school rejections crossing my mind. Binge eaten my feelings out and I’ve gained a few pounds. My self-esteem has dropped. I haven’t gone on a single date since the summer. I’ve chosen not to I guess. Trying to focus on my goals and dreams. However, I’ve given up on myself today. These are my negative thoughts. Once, I get into this vicious cycle it can be an emotional rollercoaster. This is anxiety and depression. 

Image result for breathe in breathe outI know that perhaps this is just a feeling that will pass. However, right now it feels eternal. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and my thoughts will be positive. It’s time to let these feelings be feelings. I admit I am angry and I am certain it will pass. I will stop making assumptions. My comparisons never took me anywhere. I despise my job at times because it was never the dream career. Yet, it pays off the bills. There is more to life than this daily routine. I’m relieved to be home at the comfort of my own small room, writing out my deepest personal feelings. Writing is my therapy. I’m here to let you know its okay to cry.  If you can relate to me at some point in time. I’m here to let you know, you will persevere. Vent away. It’s okay to experience dark moments, as long as you get back up after sulking.

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It’s time to focus on your hobbies, ideas, and blessings. For instance, shower, eat , drink water ,write, draw, play music,  sing, dance, work out, clean, launder etc. or read an interesting book to destress. Whatever cheers you up. Breathe, because tomorrow is a new day. All those people or tragic events that have hurt you are no longer relevant in your life. Your life will head towards a new direction once you start to value yourself. Let go. Just breathe in and out.

MENTAL HEALTH: STAY STRONG! LIVE A POSITIVE LIFE!

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Live life, learn, laugh, love and travel!

There are days that feel as if nothing is ever going to change. Days that feel, as if life is stagnant. That is how a person can feel after loosing a job, relationship, loved one, friendship, etc. It is always worse with a person who suffers mental turmoil, such as depression, anxiety, etc. The depressed can be overly critical of oneself.  One can even feel as if they’ve lost complete control of everything. An empty void is left and lifeless. How far will one go to treat it? There are an array of triggers that lead to mental turmoil, such as: genetics, dieting and life experiences. In the end, no one can save us but ourselves. There has to be a time where we get up and see the light at the end of the road. We can talk to a close friend, mentor or family but we are the only ones who can change. You only get one life and you live the life you want which is the life you were meant to live.

Therapy helps, however one must commit to the new change in therapy. The most important question to ask oneself is: Is my therapist right for me?  If not then you look for someone else you can talk to.  Do your research, look up clinics, try Zoc Doc or try your primary doctor. A good therapist may be someone who is going to teach you Cognitive Behavior Techniques to help you cope or the right medication. On the contrary, Medicine is always an option but psychiatric evaluation is a must. Medicine is only a necessity if one cannot function in society or becomes immobile to the point of harm. 

Mental stigma is a barrier that must be broken in this world. There are many people that have committed suicide. Talking about it and finding ways to cope can help save lives. There are many support groups or volunteering communities that partake in this. I don’t take medications for anxiety or depression because I hated the feeling of sedation. I prefer to engage in holistic activities and hobbies such as: exercise, dieting, hiking, friends, running, reading, concerts, etc. I’ve cut back on alcohol and any unhealthy habits that can trigger me.  I admit I’m not perfect and 100 percent happy, but I am grateful for many things in life.

Today I’ve had the guts to write about this shadow, I’ve dealt with for so many years. I have my high highs in life, where I absolutely enjoy my life and my low-lows, where my issues seem infinite with no solution. Sometimes I am invincible and other days I’d like to stay in my room and ignore the world, pretend I wasn’t feeling anymore. After my father passed away from cancer years ago, I felt like my world spiraled and I needed help. I graduated during a time where the market wasn’t so great. 2010-2012 was a difficult time in the economy, I stressed too much about finding permanent employment in my industry. At 24, I realized

I needed to get my thoughts together because I worried too much about the future or over-analyzed past situations. It was getting to me to the point where I could not breathe and realized these were anxiety attacks. I went through a few therapists to find the right one; one who can listen not judge and help me believe in me. I started to pursue my goals and enrolled back in school in 2014 and graduated in 2017. I accomplished many things and I am grateful for family, friends and joyful experiences. However the journey still continues. The journey to finding inner peace and stability. It’s hard for me to talk about this with friends and family, so I would rather write about it. I’m not fully there as of yet.

The point is to have a goal everyday and not let my mood affect my career or work.  To be able to manage the emotional intelligence I can possess or fake when I am placed in society. I am still a work-in-progress and still plan to pursue the career of my dreams. I also want to travel more and start a family someday (With the right man, that is). Love myself before I end up falling for someone else. My advice to others who suffer is that, sort out your issues before anyone comes into your world. Part of growing up is accepting who you are. Which means that if you’re suppressing yourself in a job, relationship, career, major, university, etc. that is stressing you out , then you need to find something you love. Don’t give up because of your age, it’s never too late for anything. Anxiety and Depression can be controlled. But it starts with you!

Talk to someone, if you feel you’re in danger because there will be someone who cares about you and YOU DO MATTER. Feel what you feel! but then get back up! stay busy with positive things, stay so busy, that you will forget what made you depressed in the first place. Yet, be grateful for each day because each day brings its own obstacles. Moreover what matters is how we deal and never take everything personal because then we will sulk misery; just know most personalities have nothing to do with you. In this people will let you down but you will let yourself down, when you expect so much in return from others. No one in life owes you anything. So owe yourself, and expect to be there for yourself when you’re not in the best of  moods. Never compare yourself to others or think that the grass is greener on the other side because no one is full happy. Surround yourself with positive friends and family. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. DON’T STRESS. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, TRAVEL AND LEARN! You only get one life so make the best of it and feel alive. STAY ALIVE! STAY STRONG!