I'm drowning in pessimism,
You've allowed this demon to devour my spirits,
I've reached out to you vast amount of times and have exhausted myself,
You've not answered me and I've lost my faith,
Forgive me, for I have grown impatient,
My despair and sorrows remain ignored,
Have you left me in solitude to ruminate in my own thoughts? Do you hear my scream and cry for help?
Will you answer me in due time?
Forgive me for this glitch inside my brain,
I've struggled to seek answers from others,
They too have failed me, yet here I am praying to you,
Forgive me for all of my sins and actions,
I beg you to provide me answers to my prayers ,
I don't know the meaning of happiness anymore,
I've gone mad sulking in my own thoughts,
The world seems rather dull,
Release me from this state of gloom,
Please answer my prayers,
Illuminate my soul and turn my pain into creativity,
Release me from my pain and help me find the joy in life,
LOVE, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, PASSIONS, SELF-LOVE,
but more importantly HOPE,
Show me a sign that you will help me,
Please God, Heavenly Father,
Show me a sign,
Today, I sat in the subway and felt a pang of stress. A wave of melancholy hit me as I sat with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face. I felt all eyes on me. Hoping no one can tell I was crying under my large cat-eye frames, I wiped a quickly wiped my tears. The train stopped and I wished I were home. I wanted to yell, scream and cry out loud. I felt muted. I couldn’t do so. Today started off as a great day and somehow one comment twisted my thoughts into negative ones.
I’ve been negative for quite sometime. This happened before work. The grass may alway seem greener on the other side except for myself at the moment.The social media obsession of lurking and not feeling fully content with myself, as I constantly compare myself to others such as family, etc. The thought of an ex-boyfriend thriving in a relationship with someone else. The thought of my best friend ignoring me because we got into a stupid argument. Or how one of my close male friend has been self-absorbent lately with his business. Everyone seems busy and I am feeling neglected. Graduate school rejections crossing my mind. Binge eaten my feelings out and I’ve gained a few pounds. My self-esteem has dropped. I haven’t gone on a single date since the summer. I’ve chosen not to I guess. Trying to focus on my goals and dreams. However, I’ve given up on myself today. These are my negative thoughts. Once, I get into this vicious cycle it can be an emotional rollercoaster. This is anxiety and depression.
I know that perhaps this is just a feeling that will pass. However, right now it feels eternal. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and my thoughts will be positive. It’s time to let these feelings be feelings. I admit I am angry and I am certain it will pass. I will stop making assumptions. My comparisons never took me anywhere. I despise my job at times because it was never the dream career. Yet, it pays off the bills. There is more to life than this daily routine. I’m relieved to be home at the comfort of my own small room, writing out my deepest personal feelings. Writing is my therapy. I’m here to let you know its okay to cry. If you can relate to me at some point in time. I’m here to let you know, you will persevere. Vent away. It’s okay to experience dark moments, as long as you get back up after sulking.
It’s time to focus on your hobbies, ideas, and blessings. For instance, shower, eat , drink water ,write, draw, play music, sing, dance, work out, clean, launder etc. or read an interesting book to destress. Whatever cheers you up. Breathe, because tomorrow is a new day. All those people or tragic events that have hurt you are no longer relevant in your life. Your life will head towards a new direction once you start to value yourself. Let go. Just breathe in and out.
I can procrastinate sometimes. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been a bit stagnant with the entire graduate school process. I have to be honest, I felt discouraged upon rejection with my top three choices. Going forward, I don’t want to look back in retrospect and think I should have taken action.
It’s best to get started even if I have no clue where it’s going to lead to. If you can relate to this. These graduate school applications are quite costly and if applied already and have been rejected re-applying again is going to be a rather doubtful process. I don’t plan to see it like this anymore. I also plan to apply to other schools that fit my budget. I think it’s important to dedicate at least 7 hours to your application throughout the week for enhance your portfolio and sending out emails to your mentors.
Always let them know in advance regarding your recommendations. Make sure you specify a short summary of your goals or a quick outline. It can be a strenuous process knowing that some may not submit your letters in a timely manner or perhaps even at all. It is necessary to push oneself towards these goals. Don’t think about what you don’t want. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. THINK POSITIVE.
Create a board, a collage, a plan, a sticky note to add to your bulletin board. Make sure to adapt to your graduate school checklist. I got waitlisted from an ivy league and didn’t get accepted but you know what that’s not going to stop me from trying again. As well as keeping my options open. I’m very excited about my future and where I’m heading with my career. The ideas are brewing in my brain and I am beyond excited to get started. STARTING NOW.
There are days that feel as if nothing is ever going to change. Days that feel, as if life is stagnant. That is how a person can feel after loosing a job, relationship, loved one, friendship, etc. It is always worse with a person who suffers mental turmoil, such as depression, anxiety, etc. The depressed can be overly critical of oneself. One can even feel as if they’ve lost complete control of everything. An empty void is left and lifeless. How far will one go to treat it? There are an array of triggers that lead to mental turmoil, such as: genetics, dieting and life experiences. In the end, no one can save us but ourselves. There has to be a time where we get up and see the light at the end of the road. We can talk to a close friend, mentor or family but we are the only ones who can change. You only get one life and you live the life you want which is the life you were meant to live.
Therapy helps, however one must commit to the new change in therapy. The most important question to ask oneself is: Is my therapist right for me? If not then you look for someone else you can talk to. Do your research, look up clinics, try Zoc Doc or try your primary doctor. A good therapist may be someone who is going to teach you Cognitive Behavior Techniques to help you cope or the right medication. On the contrary, Medicine is always an option but psychiatric evaluation is a must. Medicine is only a necessity if one cannot function in society or becomes immobile to the point of harm.
Mental stigma is a barrier that must be broken in this world. There are many people that have committed suicide. Talking about it and finding ways to cope can help save lives. There are many support groups or volunteering communities that partake in this. I don’t take medications for anxiety or depression because I hated the feeling of sedation. I prefer to engage in holistic activities and hobbies such as: exercise, dieting, hiking, friends, running, reading, concerts, etc. I’ve cut back on alcohol and any unhealthy habits that can trigger me. I admit I’m not perfect and 100 percent happy, but I am grateful for many things in life.
Today I’ve had the guts to write about this shadow, I’ve dealt with for so many years. I have my high highs in life, where I absolutely enjoy my life and my low-lows, where my issues seem infinite with no solution. Sometimes I am invincible and other days I’d like to stay in my room and ignore the world, pretend I wasn’t feeling anymore. After my father passed away from cancer years ago, I felt like my world spiraled and I needed help. I graduated during a time where the market wasn’t so great. 2010-2012 was a difficult time in the economy, I stressed too much about finding permanent employment in my industry. At 24, I realized
I needed to get my thoughts together because I worried too much about the future or over-analyzed past situations. It was getting to me to the point where I could not breathe and realized these were anxiety attacks. I went through a few therapists to find the right one; one who can listen not judge and help me believe in me. I started to pursue my goals and enrolled back in school in 2014 and graduated in 2017. I accomplished many things and I am grateful for family, friends and joyful experiences. However the journey still continues. The journey to finding inner peace and stability. It’s hard for me to talk about this with friends and family, so I would rather write about it. I’m not fully there as of yet.
The point is to have a goal everyday and not let my mood affect my career or work. To be able to manage the emotional intelligence I can possess or fake when I am placed in society. I am still a work-in-progress and still plan to pursue the career of my dreams. I also want to travel more and start a family someday (With the right man, that is). Love myself before I end up falling for someone else. My advice to others who suffer is that, sort out your issues before anyone comes into your world. Part of growing up is accepting who you are. Which means that if you’re suppressing yourself in a job, relationship, career, major, university, etc. that is stressing you out , then you need to find something you love. Don’t give up because of your age, it’s never too late for anything. Anxiety and Depression can be controlled. But it starts with you!
Talk to someone, if you feel you’re in danger because there will be someone who cares about you and YOU DO MATTER. Feel what you feel! but then get back up! stay busy with positive things, stay so busy, that you will forget what made you depressed in the first place. Yet, be grateful for each day because each day brings its own obstacles. Moreover what matters is how we deal and never take everything personal because then we will sulk misery; just know most personalities have nothing to do with you. In this people will let you down but you will let yourself down, when you expect so much in return from others. No one in life owes you anything. So owe yourself, and expect to be there for yourself when you’re not in the best of moods. Never compare yourself to others or think that the grass is greener on the other side because no one is full happy. Surround yourself with positive friends and family. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. DON’T STRESS. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, TRAVEL AND LEARN! You only get one life so make the best of it and feel alive. STAY ALIVE! STAY STRONG!