DEAR GOD

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Dear God, 
I'm drowning in pessimism,
You've allowed this demon to devour my spirits,
I've reached out to you vast amount of times and have exhausted myself,
You've not answered me and I've lost my faith,
Forgive me, for I have grown impatient,
My despair and sorrows remain ignored,                                                   
Have you left me in solitude to ruminate in my own thoughts?                        Do you hear my scream and cry for help?
Will you answer me in due time?
Forgive me for this glitch inside my brain,
I've struggled to seek answers from others,
They too have failed me, yet here I am praying to you,
Forgive me for all of my sins and actions,
I beg you to provide me answers to my prayers ,
I don't know the meaning of happiness anymore,
I've gone mad sulking in my own thoughts,
The world seems rather dull,
Release me from this state of gloom,
Please answer my prayers,
Illuminate my soul and turn my pain into creativity,
Release me from my pain and help me find the joy in life,
LOVE, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, PASSIONS, SELF-LOVE,
but more importantly HOPE,
Show me a sign that you will help me,
Please God, Heavenly Father,
Show me a sign,
Amen.

How to remain positive when you’ve been laid-off?

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JOB HUNT

 Job hunting can be a strenuous process, one which I am dealing with. I have recently got laid-off my job “due to corporate structuring”. Despite, it not being my dream role, such rejection still affected me. I was flooded with emotions. Angry, upset, depressed, relieved, etc. It took two weeks and I think I am over the negative emotions. Regardless, I am grateful for the opportunity and my boss writing me a reference letter. A kind gesture I remind myself when I feel discouraged. My word of advise to people out there who have lost their jobs due to corporate restructuring is ” Keep your head up and count your blessings”. Easier said than done right? but really, don’t hesitate to reach out to your former bosses and mentors for reference letters. I did and it worked. Don’t burn your bridges and stay humble because in the networking world, it is crucial to remain professional at all times.

CONFIDENCE
The worst they can say NO and then you move on to the next. When my father was alive, he used to tell me, “don’t loose hope because in this life you will get 100 NO’s and eventually one YES”. This is how I view the interviewing  process as well. And of course, dating but that is another story and separate article. My dating life is on pause right now possibly because I’m not ready for it. Confidence is about persistence, positivity and perseverance. It truly is about being your own boss and learning how to manage your emotional intelligence with others. This involves self-pep talks the minute you feel an instant negative thought seep into your brain. It’s a work-in-progress to be confident, so keep at it because this determines longevity in a job. Ask questions and be a better version of yourself. I started a freelance role that did not turn out to be such a great fit. I was told by the agency after a day of employment. I was upset, yet, relieved. Now I am grateful because I can begin again. A whole new slate and this time I plan to find something that suits my needs not just salary based but a role that fits me. This time around I plan to demonstrate confidence, to not fear the unknown nor create assumptions. I will make an effort and not let my anxieties or past experiences dominate my abilities.

SUPPORT
Currently, I am trying to remain optimistic about this change in my life. I compare it to dating where you get emotionally invested with a company and when you’re laid-off it feels like the end of a relationship. I am focused on applying to about 50 roles each day online. On the other hand, I am also trying to surround myself with good company, close friends that will be there for moral support. Ignoring all negative people such as ex- boy friends who come back to destroy my mental health. Surround yourself with positive vibes exclude those that wreak havoc upon yourself.

PERSPECTIVE
I believe placing one’s mental health first is a necessity to function. I’m a work-in-progress, I’ve cried, vented and binge-eaten, etc. as well as other behaviors. However, I had an epiphany while I was in solitude. I prayed and meditated all night. I woke up this morning and had a sudden energy to clean, organize and declutter my life. I did and I feel accomplished. Sometimes it’s the little things that count and the best thing in life aren’t always things. It’s about one’s self-consumption and present state of mind.

ACTION
While, I’ve become obsessive about my job hunt, I have decided to make time for myself. I have focused on better eating habits, full rest, reading, writing, art, walks, listening to music, chores, cleaning, organizing and positive thinking. This has helped me. I highly recommend engaging in healthy behaviors whilst seeking a job. Talk therapy truly helps as well, however lately, I’ve been involved in Art Therapy, an effective creative form of therapy. Sometimes, I draw, paint, mold, sculpt while discussing my feelings.  Analyzing this aspect about myself has helped me. It’s been amazing liberating to create beautiful art and write during this time. I found a form to cope with myself, I’ve felt as if I’ve let a weight off my shoulder. I have cried and vented. I have faith that I will get through this and if you’re experiencing a a similar situation. You will too! Find your way to cope and focus on what matters.

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Farewell

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When I spiraled into a hole of darkness,

You gave me hope,

You gave me a reason to hold on,

I valued your friendship,

You became my haven when I was tangled in a whirlwind,

however, it has dissipated into a oblivion,

You’re stubborn and proud,

More than I could ever try to be,

If I had never reached out to you,

You probably wouldn’t care,

Your words are sharper than a blade,

It’s stabbed my heart deeply,

Believing in you was the worst thing I did for myself,

Now I can’t trust anyone,

I am ruined once again,

My confidence is gone today,

but maybe I’ll regain it someday,

I surely missed you

And sometimes I think it wasn’t you,

Perhaps I just needed a friend,

A distraction from myself,

A rescue from my own issues.

This co-dependency was never healthy,

It’s evident we needed to part ways,

Letting go from our past and differences,

Now it’s time for me to be my own best friend.

I wish you nothing but the best,

Farewell, former friend.
 

JUST A DREAM

Timing was never right we met at the wrong time,

If only we were to try again, maybe this time it will work,

Love is unpredictable and dating is uncertain,

However you became my comfort zone,

Your smile brightened up my day,

Your soul brought me warmth,

I can still taste your enticing lips and smell your scent,

Here we go again, crossing paths just like old times,

Will you become a part of my future or remain a part my past?

This emotional rollercoaster has consumed me,

Where are you now? No response.

You’re gone, I feared this day would come,

At night melancholy consumes my heart,

I pray to God for your return,

Closing my eyes as I wish for a future with you,

A ray of hope lies within the depths of my soul,

You were a beautiful oasis, a breath of fresh air,

And perhaps I will never experience you again,

Our love was unreal, you were unreal,

Just a figment of my imagination,

As if I’ve imagined you since the start.

But in the end you were just a dream.

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Original artwork: “Bleeding Heart” by MD

Breathe

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Today, I sat in the subway and felt a pang of stress. A wave of melancholy hit me as I sat with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face. I felt all eyes on me. Hoping no one can tell I was crying under my large cat-eye frames, I wiped a quickly wiped my tears. The train stopped and I wished I were home. I wanted to yell, scream and cry out loud. I felt muted. I couldn’t do so. Today started off as a great day and somehow one comment twisted my thoughts into negative ones.

I’ve been negative for quite sometime. This happened before work. The grass may alway seem greener on the other side except for myself at the moment.The social media obsession of lurking and not feeling fully content with myself, as I constantly compare myself to others such as family, etc. The thought of an ex-boyfriend thriving in a relationship with someone else. The thought of my best friend ignoring me because we got into a stupid argument. Or how one of my close male friend has been self-absorbent lately with his business. Everyone seems busy and I am feeling neglected. Graduate school rejections crossing my mind. Binge eaten my feelings out and I’ve gained a few pounds. My self-esteem has dropped. I haven’t gone on a single date since the summer. I’ve chosen not to I guess. Trying to focus on my goals and dreams. However, I’ve given up on myself today. These are my negative thoughts. Once, I get into this vicious cycle it can be an emotional rollercoaster. This is anxiety and depression. 

Image result for breathe in breathe outI know that perhaps this is just a feeling that will pass. However, right now it feels eternal. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and my thoughts will be positive. It’s time to let these feelings be feelings. I admit I am angry and I am certain it will pass. I will stop making assumptions. My comparisons never took me anywhere. I despise my job at times because it was never the dream career. Yet, it pays off the bills. There is more to life than this daily routine. I’m relieved to be home at the comfort of my own small room, writing out my deepest personal feelings. Writing is my therapy. I’m here to let you know its okay to cry.  If you can relate to me at some point in time. I’m here to let you know, you will persevere. Vent away. It’s okay to experience dark moments, as long as you get back up after sulking.

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It’s time to focus on your hobbies, ideas, and blessings. For instance, shower, eat , drink water ,write, draw, play music,  sing, dance, work out, clean, launder etc. or read an interesting book to destress. Whatever cheers you up. Breathe, because tomorrow is a new day. All those people or tragic events that have hurt you are no longer relevant in your life. Your life will head towards a new direction once you start to value yourself. Let go. Just breathe in and out.