When I spiraled into a hole of darkness,
You gave me hope,
You gave me a reason to hold on,
I valued your friendship,
You became my haven when I was tangled in a whirlwind,
however, it has dissipated into a oblivion,
You’re stubborn and proud,
More than I could ever try to be,
If I had never reached out to you,
You probably wouldn’t care,
Your words are sharper than a blade,
It’s stabbed my heart deeply,
Believing in you was the worst thing I did for myself,
Now I can’t trust anyone,
I am ruined once again,
My confidence is gone today,
but maybe I’ll regain it someday,
I surely missed you
And sometimes I think it wasn’t you,
Perhaps I just needed a friend,
A distraction from myself,
A rescue from my own issues.
This co-dependency was never healthy,
It’s evident we needed to part ways,
Letting go from our past and differences,
Now it’s time for me to be my own best friend.
I wish you nothing but the best,
Farewell, former friend.
Timing was never right we met at the wrong time,
If only we were to try again, maybe this time it will work,
Love is unpredictable and dating is uncertain,
However you became my comfort zone,
Your smile brightened up my day,
Your soul brought me warmth,
I can still taste your enticing lips and smell your scent,
Here we go again, crossing paths just like old times,
Will you become a part of my future or remain a part my past?
This emotional rollercoaster has consumed me,
Where are you now? No response.
You’re gone, I feared this day would come,
At night melancholy consumes my heart,
I pray to God for your return,
Closing my eyes as I wish for a future with you,
A ray of hope lies within the depths of my soul,
You were a beautiful oasis, a breath of fresh air,
And perhaps I will never experience you again,
Our love was unreal, you were unreal,
Just a figment of my imagination,
As if I’ve imagined you since the start.
But in the end you were just a dream.
Today, I sat in the subway and felt a pang of stress. A wave of melancholy hit me as I sat with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face. I felt all eyes on me. Hoping no one can tell I was crying under my large cat-eye frames, I wiped a quickly wiped my tears. The train stopped and I wished I were home. I wanted to yell, scream and cry out loud. I felt muted. I couldn’t do so. Today started off as a great day and somehow one comment twisted my thoughts into negative ones.
I’ve been negative for quite sometime. This happened before work. The grass may alway seem greener on the other side except for myself at the moment.The social media obsession of lurking and not feeling fully content with myself, as I constantly compare myself to others such as family, etc. The thought of an ex-boyfriend thriving in a relationship with someone else. The thought of my best friend ignoring me because we got into a stupid argument. Or how one of my close male friend has been self-absorbent lately with his business. Everyone seems busy and I am feeling neglected. Graduate school rejections crossing my mind. Binge eaten my feelings out and I’ve gained a few pounds. My self-esteem has dropped. I haven’t gone on a single date since the summer. I’ve chosen not to I guess. Trying to focus on my goals and dreams. However, I’ve given up on myself today. These are my negative thoughts. Once, I get into this vicious cycle it can be an emotional rollercoaster. This is anxiety and depression.
I know that perhaps this is just a feeling that will pass. However, right now it feels eternal. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and my thoughts will be positive. It’s time to let these feelings be feelings. I admit I am angry and I am certain it will pass. I will stop making assumptions. My comparisons never took me anywhere. I despise my job at times because it was never the dream career. Yet, it pays off the bills. There is more to life than this daily routine. I’m relieved to be home at the comfort of my own small room, writing out my deepest personal feelings. Writing is my therapy. I’m here to let you know its okay to cry. If you can relate to me at some point in time. I’m here to let you know, you will persevere. Vent away. It’s okay to experience dark moments, as long as you get back up after sulking.
It’s time to focus on your hobbies, ideas, and blessings. For instance, shower, eat , drink water ,write, draw, play music, sing, dance, work out, clean, launder etc. or read an interesting book to destress. Whatever cheers you up. Breathe, because tomorrow is a new day. All those people or tragic events that have hurt you are no longer relevant in your life. Your life will head towards a new direction once you start to value yourself. Let go. Just breathe in and out.
I can procrastinate sometimes. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been a bit stagnant with the entire graduate school process. I have to be honest, I felt discouraged upon rejection with my top three choices. Going forward, I don’t want to look back in retrospect and think I should have taken action.
It’s best to get started even if I have no clue where it’s going to lead to. If you can relate to this. These graduate school applications are quite costly and if applied already and have been rejected re-applying again is going to be a rather doubtful process. I don’t plan to see it like this anymore. I also plan to apply to other schools that fit my budget. I think it’s important to dedicate at least 7 hours to your application throughout the week for enhance your portfolio and sending out emails to your mentors.
Always let them know in advance regarding your recommendations. Make sure you specify a short summary of your goals or a quick outline. It can be a strenuous process knowing that some may not submit your letters in a timely manner or perhaps even at all. It is necessary to push oneself towards these goals. Don’t think about what you don’t want. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. THINK POSITIVE.
Create a board, a collage, a plan, a sticky note to add to your bulletin board. Make sure to adapt to your graduate school checklist. I got waitlisted from an ivy league and didn’t get accepted but you know what that’s not going to stop me from trying again. As well as keeping my options open. I’m very excited about my future and where I’m heading with my career. The ideas are brewing in my brain and I am beyond excited to get started. STARTING NOW.
Today I feel overwhelmed. Yes, I needed to take a personal sick day off from work for myself. It’s the worst feeling to wake up early ready for work and then decided your not going to go because the last minute cramps start to kick in and backache. I’m also very anxious about all of my goals this Fall. I took Midol and no it did not solve my issues. As a female, I think its important to take some time off for yourself when your PMSING. There are a trillion things running through my mind at the moment and all I can do is write.
I am a writer and well it’s been a while since I’ve blogged on a continuous basis. It is hard when you’re involved in a 9am to 6pm job that sucks the life out of you. My job isn’t terrible; in fact, my boss and co-workers are kind and pleasant to work with. However, it’s not my dream role and It pays my bills. Regardless, I am planning to apply to a few graduate schools next month. What lies ahead is a infinite amount of written work. I’ve realized how impatient I am with not getting instant gratification. I have worked hard my whole life and sometimes it feels like a vicious circle. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, I’m a grown up millennial and yet at times, I just feel like a clueless toddler straddling through life. Is it ok to not be ADULTING as of yet? Or to be unsure of one’s next career path? Yeah, it’s normal. We are only humans. Some people are still finding themselves. As most MILLENNIALS, I have survived tough economic times such as living through the subprime mortgage crisis and working a shit load of odd jobs to make ends meet while attending college and dealing with other obstacles. Settling in a permanent job is a fortunate outcome especially in this age, which is the reason I am so hesitant to leave at the moment. I don’t care how many business articles there are about the market’s vast improvement. I highly disagree; the fashion and business world is a very competitive field. One in which I’ve worked in the majority of my adulthood.
Some Recruiters can be a hit or miss but sometimes we have no choice but to be open-minded and give them a chance. They will help you or turn the other cheek and literally ghost you for a younger shinier gullible desperate candidate. After a few years of working in the fashion industry; I’ve realized how much I would like to change my career. I don’t hate it, I just don’t care as much for it.
So I’m staying with my current job and building my writing portfolio on the side. I am very impulsive by nature, therefore, I’m training myself to be as disciplined as I can. Non-fiction Writing is helping me. Whether it’s writing about my personal life, issues, or goals. It works! Putting it in paper and seeing it work feels quite magical. Subconsciously its ingrained in your brain and eventually its achieved. So today, after my pressing yet hopeful rant ,I hope I can convince you fellow MILLENNIALS you’re not alone! I believe in you! You’re not going to be stuck in a dead end job. Work hard towards your dream career. My suggestion is to ghost people on social media or in other words; disconnect from social media for a while. Stop posting cute photos, in order to gain attention from everyone, just be content with and by yourself. I think social media tends to make all of us unhappy because we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. For example, when we find our exes happy with someone else. We start to doubt ourselves. Why her not me? Whats wrong with me? It’s not fair, blah blah blah!…Just avoid lurking, if you find yourself doing so, read a book or write a blog! ( As I’m doing write now (pun intended hehe)) Okay, I will stop being corny. In addition, ignoring all text messages and calls from friends may just be the solution to that awful phone anxiety and co-dependence. Who cares if you didn’t make your friend’s fashion show or happy hour? It may sound selfish but at the moment take care of yourself, if you feel like you’re heading towards a mental breakdown. Bond with yourself. Read, write, paint, watch a movie, exercise, etc. Anything that helps you stay centered as long as you’re not hurting others.
Engage in healthy behavior such as proper dieting, learning new material, donating, volunteering, etc. Seek new organizations that may even stimulate you in a group process for instance joining an art club or helping underprivileged communities. These changes will contribute to your happiness and help you find yourself. Friends come in different shapes and sizes, literally; and yes they will annoy the living shit out from us at times because no one’s perfect. All I can suggest is GHOST, take time for yourself and let them know you’re laying low this month and cannot ” hang out” due to finances and busy schedule. Boom! Problem solved. NOW FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Share what you do to motivate yourself towards your goals throughout this tough economy and digital world.