Work. Life. Balance Challenges and Graduate School Acceptance!

BELIEVE AND YOU SHALL ACHIEVE..

Hello Everyone! I have started new employment, another yet, temporary soul-sucking corporate fashion position. Not my particular knack, however the pay convinced me to accept it. The hours are 9-6PM and I’m usually home by 7pm. It’s a long commute, however at the moment it’s necessary for my expenses. I’ve payed off my graduate school deposit and also some other unnecessary credit card expenses such as makeup, food, etc. I was on a roll before but I got side-tracked. Shame on me. The role I started is temporary and for my first paycheck I plan to pay off my credit card charges. It’s awful to feel constraint to money. In many ways I feel like I’m trapped in a vicious cycle. But I am a work in progress. I plan to save up for Grad school. I finally got accepted into a prestigious writing school for my MFA. I am excited about my journey to Sarah Lawrence College! I hope it works out after graduation and I can find a job I am passionate about.

Regardless, life is incredibly valuable to wonder what if? I might as well take the plunge and step into the unknown. Which is why I am studying something unrelated to my previous field.I don’t think my Fashion Business degrees were a waste, yet, the lack of permanent employment was. I view this new career change as another trait I am going to learn. I always had a knack for learning and I think school helped me remain positive despite trials and tribulations, whether it was a break-up, health and family issues etc. learning and deviating my mind from noise helped me stay focused on education. Right now, I’m struggling with my on-and-off depression and this new temporary gig has made me somewhat miserable. Logistics sucks and my boss is demeaning at times, yet I keep reminding myself this is just a short-term role. (Sigh). It’s tough to get up from bed every morning.

I took a sick day today to job hunt for more tolerable jobs away from this or retail (or anything that is fashion-related). I have also applied to teaching jobs, which is something that has always fulfilled me, even on a bad day. I think that it’s a noble career and more suitable for me. I enjoy teaching others and learning form them as well. Let’s hope this new path works out. I never thought in a million year, I was going to change fields. I just simply grew out my previous one and found my true passion in writing. It happened to me in my second semester in my undergrad and when I started tutoring others, I realized this was better than any catty corporate fashion company I’ve worked for. I thrived in it. Anyway, as I am actively applying to several jobs a day, I’ve realized not all hope is not lost.

Going forward, I’ve taken some steps to reduce my mental strain. No more comparing myself to other people and no more feeling envious or jealous. I am trying to journal my sentiments, so I can reflect on them rather than act them out in a state of rage or melancholy. I’ve decided I want to be happier and focus on myself. No more toxic friends or outings. No more toxic guys or relationships. Just spending more time alone and less as an extrovert. I am trying to rely more on myself and less on others for happiness because people will never satisfy me 100% percent. I think learning to tone down my feelings of surrounding myself with other people is important so I can be more emotionally independent. Therefore, I am vowing to take care of myself. I hope you can too and follow your true passions in life. Please share your experience about how you overcame your career switch and how do you cope with if you’re depressed at a job. I love feedback. I hope I can inspire you as your comments inspire me! Have a wonderful day and sending positive vibes your way!

DEAR GOD

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Dear God, 
I'm drowning in pessimism,
You've allowed this demon to devour my spirits,
I've reached out to you vast amount of times and have exhausted myself,
You've not answered me and I've lost my faith,
Forgive me, for I have grown impatient,
My despair and sorrows remain ignored,                                                   
Have you left me in solitude to ruminate in my own thoughts?                        Do you hear my scream and cry for help?
Will you answer me in due time?
Forgive me for this glitch inside my brain,
I've struggled to seek answers from others,
They too have failed me, yet here I am praying to you,
Forgive me for all of my sins and actions,
I beg you to provide me answers to my prayers ,
I don't know the meaning of happiness anymore,
I've gone mad sulking in my own thoughts,
The world seems rather dull,
Release me from this state of gloom,
Please answer my prayers,
Illuminate my soul and turn my pain into creativity,
Release me from my pain and help me find the joy in life,
LOVE, HAPPINESS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, PASSIONS, SELF-LOVE,
but more importantly HOPE,
Show me a sign that you will help me,
Please God, Heavenly Father,
Show me a sign,
Amen.

How to remain positive when you’ve been laid-off?

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JOB HUNT

 Job hunting can be a strenuous process, one which I am dealing with. I have recently got laid-off my job “due to corporate structuring”. Despite, it not being my dream role, such rejection still affected me. I was flooded with emotions. Angry, upset, depressed, relieved, etc. It took two weeks and I think I am over the negative emotions. Regardless, I am grateful for the opportunity and my boss writing me a reference letter. A kind gesture I remind myself when I feel discouraged. My word of advise to people out there who have lost their jobs due to corporate restructuring is ” Keep your head up and count your blessings”. Easier said than done right? but really, don’t hesitate to reach out to your former bosses and mentors for reference letters. I did and it worked. Don’t burn your bridges and stay humble because in the networking world, it is crucial to remain professional at all times.

CONFIDENCE
The worst they can say NO and then you move on to the next. When my father was alive, he used to tell me, “don’t loose hope because in this life you will get 100 NO’s and eventually one YES”. This is how I view the interviewing  process as well. And of course, dating but that is another story and separate article. My dating life is on pause right now possibly because I’m not ready for it. Confidence is about persistence, positivity and perseverance. It truly is about being your own boss and learning how to manage your emotional intelligence with others. This involves self-pep talks the minute you feel an instant negative thought seep into your brain. It’s a work-in-progress to be confident, so keep at it because this determines longevity in a job. Ask questions and be a better version of yourself. I started a freelance role that did not turn out to be such a great fit. I was told by the agency after a day of employment. I was upset, yet, relieved. Now I am grateful because I can begin again. A whole new slate and this time I plan to find something that suits my needs not just salary based but a role that fits me. This time around I plan to demonstrate confidence, to not fear the unknown nor create assumptions. I will make an effort and not let my anxieties or past experiences dominate my abilities.

SUPPORT
Currently, I am trying to remain optimistic about this change in my life. I compare it to dating where you get emotionally invested with a company and when you’re laid-off it feels like the end of a relationship. I am focused on applying to about 50 roles each day online. On the other hand, I am also trying to surround myself with good company, close friends that will be there for moral support. Ignoring all negative people such as ex- boy friends who come back to destroy my mental health. Surround yourself with positive vibes exclude those that wreak havoc upon yourself.

PERSPECTIVE
I believe placing one’s mental health first is a necessity to function. I’m a work-in-progress, I’ve cried, vented and binge-eaten, etc. as well as other behaviors. However, I had an epiphany while I was in solitude. I prayed and meditated all night. I woke up this morning and had a sudden energy to clean, organize and declutter my life. I did and I feel accomplished. Sometimes it’s the little things that count and the best thing in life aren’t always things. It’s about one’s self-consumption and present state of mind.

ACTION
While, I’ve become obsessive about my job hunt, I have decided to make time for myself. I have focused on better eating habits, full rest, reading, writing, art, walks, listening to music, chores, cleaning, organizing and positive thinking. This has helped me. I highly recommend engaging in healthy behaviors whilst seeking a job. Talk therapy truly helps as well, however lately, I’ve been involved in Art Therapy, an effective creative form of therapy. Sometimes, I draw, paint, mold, sculpt while discussing my feelings.  Analyzing this aspect about myself has helped me. It’s been amazing liberating to create beautiful art and write during this time. I found a form to cope with myself, I’ve felt as if I’ve let a weight off my shoulder. I have cried and vented. I have faith that I will get through this and if you’re experiencing a a similar situation. You will too! Find your way to cope and focus on what matters.

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JUST A DREAM

Timing was never right we met at the wrong time,

If only we were to try again, maybe this time it will work,

Love is unpredictable and dating is uncertain,

However you became my comfort zone,

Your smile brightened up my day,

Your soul brought me warmth,

I can still taste your enticing lips and smell your scent,

Here we go again, crossing paths just like old times,

Will you become a part of my future or remain a part my past?

This emotional rollercoaster has consumed me,

Where are you now? No response.

You’re gone, I feared this day would come,

At night melancholy consumes my heart,

I pray to God for your return,

Closing my eyes as I wish for a future with you,

A ray of hope lies within the depths of my soul,

You were a beautiful oasis, a breath of fresh air,

And perhaps I will never experience you again,

Our love was unreal, you were unreal,

Just a figment of my imagination,

As if I’ve imagined you since the start.

But in the end you were just a dream.

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Original artwork: “Bleeding Heart” by MD

Breathe

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Today, I sat in the subway and felt a pang of stress. A wave of melancholy hit me as I sat with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face. I felt all eyes on me. Hoping no one can tell I was crying under my large cat-eye frames, I wiped a quickly wiped my tears. The train stopped and I wished I were home. I wanted to yell, scream and cry out loud. I felt muted. I couldn’t do so. Today started off as a great day and somehow one comment twisted my thoughts into negative ones.

I’ve been negative for quite sometime. This happened before work. The grass may alway seem greener on the other side except for myself at the moment.The social media obsession of lurking and not feeling fully content with myself, as I constantly compare myself to others such as family, etc. The thought of an ex-boyfriend thriving in a relationship with someone else. The thought of my best friend ignoring me because we got into a stupid argument. Or how one of my close male friend has been self-absorbent lately with his business. Everyone seems busy and I am feeling neglected. Graduate school rejections crossing my mind. Binge eaten my feelings out and I’ve gained a few pounds. My self-esteem has dropped. I haven’t gone on a single date since the summer. I’ve chosen not to I guess. Trying to focus on my goals and dreams. However, I’ve given up on myself today. These are my negative thoughts. Once, I get into this vicious cycle it can be an emotional rollercoaster. This is anxiety and depression. 

Image result for breathe in breathe outI know that perhaps this is just a feeling that will pass. However, right now it feels eternal. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and my thoughts will be positive. It’s time to let these feelings be feelings. I admit I am angry and I am certain it will pass. I will stop making assumptions. My comparisons never took me anywhere. I despise my job at times because it was never the dream career. Yet, it pays off the bills. There is more to life than this daily routine. I’m relieved to be home at the comfort of my own small room, writing out my deepest personal feelings. Writing is my therapy. I’m here to let you know its okay to cry.  If you can relate to me at some point in time. I’m here to let you know, you will persevere. Vent away. It’s okay to experience dark moments, as long as you get back up after sulking.

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It’s time to focus on your hobbies, ideas, and blessings. For instance, shower, eat , drink water ,write, draw, play music,  sing, dance, work out, clean, launder etc. or read an interesting book to destress. Whatever cheers you up. Breathe, because tomorrow is a new day. All those people or tragic events that have hurt you are no longer relevant in your life. Your life will head towards a new direction once you start to value yourself. Let go. Just breathe in and out.

GRADUATION SCHOOL REJECTION? DONT GIVE UP!

untitledI can procrastinate sometimes. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been a bit stagnant with the entire graduate school process. I have to be honest, I felt discouraged upon rejection with my top three choices. Going forward, I don’t want to look back in retrospect and think I should have taken action.

It’s best to get started even if I have no clue where it’s going to lead to. If you can relate to this. These graduate school applications are quite costly and if applied already and have been rejected re-applying again is going to be a rather doubtful process. I don’t plan to see it like this anymore. I also plan to apply to other schools that fit my budget. I think it’s important to dedicate at least 7 hours to your application throughout the week for enhance your portfolio and sending out emails to your mentors.

Always let them know in advance regarding your recommendations. Make sure you specify a short summary of your goals or a quick outline. It can be a strenuous process knowing that some may not submit your letters in a timely manner or perhaps even at all. It is necessary to push oneself towards these goals. Don’t think about what you don’t want. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. THINK POSITIVE.

Create a board, a collage, a plan, a sticky note to add to your bulletin board. Make sure to adapt to your graduate school checklist. I got waitlisted from an ivy league and didn’t get accepted but you know what that’s not going to stop me from trying again. As well as keeping my options open. I’m very excited about my future and where I’m heading with my career. The ideas are brewing in my brain and I am beyond excited to get started. STARTING NOW.

FINDING TIME FOR YOURSELF

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Today I feel overwhelmed. Yes, I needed to take a personal sick day off from work for myself. It’s the worst feeling to wake up early ready for work and then decided your not going to go because the last minute cramps start to kick in and backache.  I’m also very anxious about all of my goals this Fall. I took Midol and no it did not solve my issues. As a female, I think its important to take some time off for yourself when your PMSING. There are a trillion things running through my mind at the moment and all I can do is write.

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BRB on a 1 hour bathroom break…

I am a writer and well it’s been a while since I’ve blogged on a continuous basis.  It is hard when you’re involved in a 9am to 6pm job that sucks the life out of you. My job isn’t terrible; in fact, my boss and co-workers are kind and pleasant to work with. However, it’s not my dream role and It pays my bills. Regardless, I am planning to apply to a few graduate schools next month. What lies ahead is a infinite amount of written work. I’ve realized how impatient I am with not getting instant gratification. I have worked hard my whole life and sometimes it feels like a vicious circle. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, I’m a grown up millennial and yet at times, I just feel like a clueless toddler straddling through life. Is it ok to not be ADULTING as of yet? Or to be unsure of one’s next career path? Yeah, it’s normal. We are only humans. Some people are still finding themselves. As most MILLENNIALS, I have survived tough economic times such as  living through the subprime mortgage crisis and working a shit load of odd jobs to make ends meet while attending college and dealing with other obstacles. Settling in a permanent job is a fortunate outcome especially in this age, which is the reason I am so hesitant to leave at the moment. I don’t care how many business articles there are about the market’s vast improvement. I highly disagree; the fashion and business world is a very competitive field.  One in which I’ve worked in the majority of my adulthood.

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STEP RIGHT UP!

Some Recruiters can be a hit or miss but sometimes we have no choice but to be open-minded and give them a chance.  They will help you or turn the other cheek and literally ghost you for a younger shinier gullible desperate candidate. After a few years of working in the fashion industry; I’ve realized how much I would like to change my career. I don’t hate it, I just don’t care as much for it.

 

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BASIC MILLENNIALS, CAN WE NOT?

So I’m staying with my current job and building my writing portfolio on the side. I am very impulsive by nature, therefore, I’m training myself to be as disciplined as I can. Non-fiction Writing is helping me. Whether it’s writing about my personal life, issues, or goals. It works! Putting it in paper and seeing it work feels quite magical. Subconsciously its ingrained in your brain and eventually its achieved. So today, after my pressing yet hopeful rant ,I hope I can convince you fellow MILLENNIALS you’re not alone! I believe in you! You’re not going to be stuck in a dead end job.  Work hard towards your dream career. My suggestion is to ghost people on social media or in other words; disconnect from social media for a while. Stop posting cute photos, in order to gain attention from everyone, just be content with and by yourself. I think social media tends to make all of us unhappy because we are constantly  comparing ourselves to others. For example,  when we find our exes happy with someone else. We start to doubt ourselves. Why her not me? Whats wrong with me? It’s not fair, blah blah blah!…Just avoid lurking, if you find yourself doing so, read a book or write a blog! ( As I’m doing write now (pun intended hehe)) Okay, I will stop being corny. In addition, ignoring all text messages and calls from friends may just be the solution to that awful phone anxiety and co-dependence. Who cares if you didn’t make your friend’s fashion show or happy hour? It may sound selfish but at the moment take care of yourself, if you feel like you’re heading towards a mental breakdown. Bond with yourself. Read, write, paint, watch a movie, exercise, etc. Anything that helps you stay centered as long as you’re not hurting others.

Engage in healthy behavior such as proper dieting, learning new material, donating, volunteering, etc.  Seek new organizations that may even stimulate you in a group process for instance joining an art club or helping underprivileged communities. These changes will contribute to your happiness and help you find yourself. Friends come in different shapes and sizes, literally; and yes they will annoy the living shit out from us at times because no one’s perfect. All I can suggest is GHOST, take time for yourself and let them know you’re laying low this month and cannot ” hang out”  due to finances and busy schedule. Boom! Problem solved. NOW FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Share what you do to motivate yourself towards your goals throughout this tough economy and digital world.

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